I did what I always do

took advantage of the moment

imaged the future and in it

I would do all the things I should of done

like holding your hand and spinning you around

dancing to music, lifting you up

and thinking as I put you down

“she’s the most beautiful girl around”

kissing you in the grocery store

watching you as we walked st. gorge

I should’ve captured every moment

cause all I want is to relive it

I never realized the pain i caused

until you asked me to never hit you up

I thought you were my friend and more

but you don’t love me anymore

tonight i’m having a hard time grasping

that we are just strangers with memories

a passing thought, do you think of me too?

when the nights get cold and the days are long

do you think about the way it could of gone?

if the time was right, if we didn’t fight

if all the bad times were gone overnight

would you go back in time to rewrite these lines

do you think we could make it?

if our hearts didn’t break into thousands of pieces

do you think the seasons could of brought peace?

it’s serene..

the way I imagined our life together,

the happiness you both brought me

I never knew love could exist in a place where our hearts couldn’t comprehend what was happening

just people falling in love but collapsing

cause communication got the best of three

I think I finally understand the reference people say when you meet “the one”

that “you’ll just know”

I never understood how “you’ll just know”

because I always get mr.confused, mr.taken, and mr.emotionally unavailable

I never thought that “know” in this reference meant action, that you’ll know because they won’t let you be confused, they won’t be emotionally unavailable and the definitely won’t be taken.

they’ll know and so will you.

i don’t wanna be alive anymore

don’t wanna cry no more

or fake a smile no more

every day feels like an uphill battle

my heart and mind tattered

I don’t wanna be sad anymore

or feel bad no more for past transgressions

cant handle my depression

this anxiety is killing me

i’m not the friend I want to be

please forgive me

the longer I live, dying at 16

probably would’ve been for the best for me

I don’t wanna say goodbye

but i can’t go on, i cant do this alone

my heart needs a home

I need to be held when I cry

my heart won’t let go

but my brain tells me why

I cant stay in this place

where you’re telling me lies

I deserve to be loved

like a bird loves to fly

but I felt safe in your arms

and I fell for your eyes

what is it like to be loved deeply

and to love just as deep

I wanna know what that feels like

I wanna know how love speaks

i understand

why it’s so hard to lose me

my whole life people would abuse me

use me, fuck me then not choose me

my whole life conditioned to be the perfect person

my worth and my hurt

only recognized by the earth

and i tried to get back

to who i was before

i let the whole world chew me up

and spit me on the floor

It’s difficult when i look back

the past

always reminding me

i’m not who i wanna be

i let people mold me and shape me

i even let them break me

down, down

i let them steal my crown

i bent over backwards for people who are no longer around

be quiet, don’t think

if my mother had her way

i would be a fucking tin can with no heart and no brain

You must be so stressed, I know you put on the best faces when you’re in a crowd. You’re a people person, a social butterfly, a listener, a giver, a provider. You work hard, you have such big dreams and future goals that I can absolutely see you achieving!

You impress, amaze, and impact me all the time.

I wonder though if you are used to having someone there that genuinely wants to listen to you. That loves the sound of your voice. That wants to take care of your heart and cherish your soul. That wants to choose you and love you, happily, forever..

I never want you to feel like you have to sacrifice any part of you to be with me.

However, unconditional love does not mean unconditional tolerance, and like you’ve pointed out before, I deserve the world.

But so do you.

I care to much when things get messy

this shits depressing how much I hate myself when things don’t workout

because it’s like I can always see the future

I foresee the ways i’ll never be enough

every single way I won’t amount and fuck

I hate having to live it twice, once inside my head when i’m overthinking and then again when i’m actually living

I will never understand the times I was never enough

all the times i confused lust for love

when I was full of trust and my body craved your touch

when I fell for words never followed up by action

always left wondering what the hell happened

left questioning, “what is wrong with me?”

upset with myself for letting you in too easily

trying to take back control by taking it out on my body

not eating right, body checking

forgot how to be kind to myself, how to quit stressing

overwhelmed by what i’m not and what I can’t be

trying to be perfect, fuck that’s not me

i’ve never really been smart with my heart

can never tell the good ones apart

i’m always the one down from the start

just wanted someone to laugh with

to sit in the car and talk with for hours

hoping one day he’ll bring me some flowers

thinking, finally, this is it

i could actually be enough

my mind wondering “are we falling in love”

curious if he thinks of these moments

when our eyes first met and it felt like forever

when we laid in bed cuddled up together

do I ever cross his mind?

because I tell you he’s on mine all the time

i’m scared of the way he makes me feel

because my heart is never the one chosen to steal

i’m a bad bitch

don’t need no attachments

can’t let anyone in, have to pretend i’m the one who makes all the decisions with my body

please don’t fucking call me

when i’ve finally moved on and found self love

I was desperate enough to give you a piece of my heart when I was falling apart

but i’m in a better place now, not coming in second place now

I can show myself compassion no matter what happens, I don’t shame my brain when i’m in pain

I never put the blame on anyone else, I can stand up for myself after years of being treated like a option

i know you can’t get me out of your head, I can’t be forgotten

it’s the little things I do, I made you feel comfortable

relax, i’m detached, I don’t need you

don’t apologize, for all the lies

when you realize that I was always on your side

I had your back, thats a fact

I never changed up, I stayed up when you called

I never made you feel small

I loved you till the end, I always called you my friend

You hurt me in ways I never could imagine

Why am I the one who fucking feels bad then?

I don’t understand, was this always your plan?

get what you wanted from me, to use me?

I won’t let you abuse me

never again will you ever have access to me

thats on everything I love, i’m rising above

all the fake shit, the blatant disrespect

all the promises you never kept

I wish i could undo all the shit we have been through

I know you don’t fucking care but I was always there

how could you not see, what you truly meant to me?

it doesn’t matter anymore, you’re fucking dead to me

I always rushed everything too soon because I wanted to know what it was like to be with you

I never gave myself any time

I wanted to feel new, shiny and alive

It never got me anywhere good

I was always left broken, used and misunderstood

I never learned my lesson with oversharing

now here I am left with all this useless, left over information

I clung on to empty words and half assed actions

I fell for different shades of blue and brown eyes but their lies all the same

I hate who I see when I look in the mirror, always wondering will the girl with dark hair ever be better?

I feel uneasy, queasy, sick to my stomach

kind of sleazy

I don’t want to act this impulsively

supposed to be taking care of my body

not disposing of all my positive coping skills

it kinda kills me that I don’t know how to deal with my trauma

or all the bad karma i’ve caused hurting other people when I hurt deep inside

at night I stay up and all I want to do is cry

what the fuck is this life that i’m living

my happiness always depending on other people who come and go as they please

what the fuck is wrong with me

i’m tired of all of this anxiety, panic attacks

thinking of all the areas where I lack

i’m impatient, an overthinker, a complainer

to this day I still don’t have a planner

I can’t get my shit together

just hope it don’t feel like this forever

they say “just wait six months, things always get better”

but i’m always making bad decisions letting my guard down following the wrong crowd

always getting my hopes up

get so drunk till I throw up

I want to be a different person

so many lessons to be learning

I make too many mistakes

how much more of this can I take, just wait

i’ll grow into the person i’m meant to be

all of you will fucking see

My mind is like a purgatory

I can’t tell you my life story

i’ve been through too much shit

trauma has caused me to forget who I am, what’s my plan, even the things I give a damn about

I have a fucked up mind, wasted too much time trying to be someone i’m not

I’ve fought so many demons, tried people pleasing

they say there’s a reason my suicide attempts didn’t work out

you mean I have a purpose? what is it?

I haven’t quite figured that part out

all I know is I don’t know shit

i just can’t fucking quit there’s too many people relying on me to stop lying when they ask me how i’m doing and I reply that i’m fine

but inside i’m silently dying i know you can’t read my mind but maybe my poetry will give you some peace of mind that i’m trying

this life is not easy so please forgive me

when i’m retreating inside my head, isolating

daydreaming of days when my heart doesn’t feel so dead, vacant

when i’m not so complacent with how i’m dealing

and this feeling of never ending sadness surpasses and one day i’ll wake up from all this madness

but today is not that day, so while I lay here holding back tears cause life feels overwhelming

and I have a hard time telling the people in my life when I am not alright

i’ll still keep up the good fight and stay awhile

even when i’m in denial that i’m strong enough to make it

fuck it, i’m gonna fake it, it’s what i’m good at

maybe i just need a good laugh

and tell my self “this too shall pass”